Allow Me to Digress

… in days gone by,

when hope was high and life worth living,

I dreamed that love will never die,

I dreamed that God will be forgiving…

Anyway, my dream is nothing related to the song by Fantine  - I just feel like singing it.  (If they say life is a stage, I believe mine’s a big musical production.  And I do believe that God is forgiving. ;)  But I did have a really weird dream last night about a craving I have since I got here.  A friend said she’ll be sending me something for school and I joked about sending me pizza as well.  I took Pizza Hut for granted when I was in Manila.  (It has to be the "cheesy volcano" pizza.)  You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.  They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.  I doubt if pizzas can be sent from Manila to where I am right now but at least she could try.  I told my friend I was just joking she need not send me pizza (nahiya rin naman ako di ba? but she seemed serious.  I did not realized how excited I was about that pizza until I dreamed about it. 

…but the tigers come at night,

with their voices soft as thunder,

as they tear your hopes apart,

as they tear your dream to shaaaaaaaaaaaaamme.

This is what happened in my dream.  The pizza arrived and I was very happy that I was going to share it with the people here where I "work."  As soon as I opened the box a bunch of ragged children came from nowhere and started touching the pizza!  So they don’t only do it on French fries… 

Les miserables.

I remember feeling really bad but then I just gave the pizza away - but not easily.  I gave the children a brief lecture on manners first.  I remember telling them something like, "sa susunod, sabihin nyo lang kung gusto nyo. Madali naman ako kausap. Hindi tama yang ginagawa nyo inuunahan nyo naman ako e.  Tingnan nyo ni isang slice hindi na ako makakakain nyan."

Oh my life
Is changing everyday
In every possible way

And oh my dreams
It’s never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems

Back to reality, as to the pizza, if you believe in interpretation of dreams you would probably say to me - Dream on!  (And get over that boy who took your fries away!) La signorina Choa e pazza.  Ms. Choa is crazy.  Ciao, pizza.

This post is dedicated to Ate Jeny who may be too busy to read my blog but I believe wouldn’t be too busy to make a lonely soul here happy with a pizza.:)

First song: "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables: http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/lesmiserables/idreamedadream.htm

Second song: "Dreams" by Cranberries ("You’ve Got Mail" Soundtrack) http://www.lyricsbeat.com/lyrics/12719/Cranberries/Dreams.aspx

What would you do if you won 4 million dollars?

If I won the lottery (for the record I never bought a lottery ticket), or maybe if I were extremely rich, I would love to do what two characters from the movie I watched the other night did on their "date" - gave free rides to the metro, rented the entire baseball field for the children (and also giving each child free polaroid prints of him posing catching the ball), entered a restaurant and then announced to everyone that they will foot the bill. That would be a really great date, wouldn’t it? 

But then with or without a million dollars, surprising people with little acts of kindness will surely go a long way.  Miracles can still happen.   

The movie "It Could Happen to You" was one of those really nice movies that for a time I had forgotten I liked.  I remember watching it on VHS a long time ago.  (It was shown in theaters in 1994.)  Starring the very skinny Bridget Fonda and not-yet-so-bald Nicholas Cage, it was a story of a cop who tipped a waitress half of his lottery ticket, in case he would win.  Charlie (Cage) won 4 million dollars and as promised, gave half of it to the waitress, Yvonne (Fonda).  But of course there were conflicts in the story - Charlie was married and his wife Muriel wouldn’t just give away the money that easily. 

So what would you do if you won 4 million dollars?  Would that make you any happier?

Charlie chose to still become a cop, and Yvonne chose to continue being a waitress in the diner that she bought.  She used to be employed there.  They both continued doing what they love to do more than anything else in the world.  I envy them for finding their calling and their niche.   I can’t recall exactly how Charlie described Yvonne as a waitress, but I think he said something like Yvonne was an angel to all her customers.  Maybe the money made them happier and richer, but that was all just the "outside," "inside," they didn’t change. After all, the best things in life are free. (Ok ba? hehe… Reminds me of a song. But you have to pay for other good stuff

Instead of telling you the rest of the story (which you probably have already seen before),  I would just like to write about the things I loved in the movie. 

I like romantic comedies because of their witty lines, and because it balances the mushiness of romance through comic relief.  Here are the memorable scenes and lines from the movie for me:

On arranged marriages (I can’t find the exact lines but here’s what I remember):

Charlie was telling Yvonne about a couple who were married at the same time he and Muriel got married.  It was an arranged marriage for the other couple -it was the first time that they were going to meet then.  Charlie said that the couple didn’t even know if they’ll be attracted to each other or if they’ll have something to talk about, but 10 years later, they were still happily married with children while his marriage with Muriel, his high school sweetheart, was in shambles. 

Charlie on the differences between him and his wife:

"It’s like we’re two different channels:  I’m CNN and she’s the Home Shopping Network."

"A promise is a promise."  Charlie told Yvonne assuring her that he will keep his word.

Yvonne even had in her diner a table named after Charlie, for those who needed a little bit of kindness and who couldn’t afford  meal. 

It is a really nice feel-good movie.  Watching the movie again 12 years later was really fun.   

Last but not least, here’s a "new" old song that I really like from the movie. 

——————————————————–

Young at Heart - Frank Sinatra

Fairy tales can come true
It can happen to you
If you’re young at heart

For it’s hard you will find
To be narrow of mind
If you’re young at heart

You can go to extremes
With impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams
Fall apart at the seams

And life gets more exciting
with each passing day
And love is either in your heart
Or on it’s way

Don’t you know that it’s worth
Every treasure on earth
To be young at heart

For as rich as you are
It’s much better by far
To be young at heart

And if you should survive to 105
Look at all you’ll derive
Out of being alive

And here is the best part
You’ve had a head start
If you are among the very
Young at heart

And if you should survive to 105
Think of all you’ll derive
Out of being alive

And here is the best part
You’ve had a head start
If you are among the very
Young at heart…

————————–

For more about the movie: http://www.cagebypage.com/abouthismovies/reviews/it_could_happen_to_you.html

As for the rest of the money, I still have to think about what to do with it, in case I win a huge fortune but not from lottery perhaps. (Hmm… how can that happen then?)  Maybe I can be whatever I want to be and not worry about the money.  I will definitely travel!  Study! Something nice to think about in case you have nothing to do.  Who knows, it could happen to me, and to you too!

I know my parents have been keeping something about our family.  There were many things that I couldn’t understand when I was younger. But as they say, you will understand things better as you grow older.  Now I have uncovered the truth that I’ve searched for all my life.  I hope what I am going to write next wouldn’t change our friendship, or how you would treat me next time you see me.  I am very surprised myself when I found out. 

I am royalty.    

Yahoo told me so.  While taking a break from my rigourous schedule of finishing my things to do, I searched for my surname in yahoo and look what I’ve found.  What else can be more reliable that Wikipedia?

"Choa" is a title of the ruling prince of Chaing Mai (also called Lannathai), and people who were related to the ruling prince of Chaing Mai.This system is called "Choa har kan"(เจ้าห้าขัน)

Unbelievable?  I know!  If you don’t believe me, check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choa

So that’s why I am not related to any Choa other than my immediate family here in the Philippines.  My relatives are in Thailand.  So that’s why we’ve never been to Thailand because of you know… paparazzi and stuff.   Once they see my passport… you can just imagine what chaos that would bring.  The return of the long-lost relatives of the crown prince. Choas causing chaos in Thailand?  No way.  My family wants a simple and quiet private life.  I like to write more "that’s whys" but then I might be giving away too much information to the public.  Eventually I will let my publicist do that. 

Now before you start searching for your own surname in google or yahoo, let me just make something clear.  The secret is out, but I hope nothing’s changed between us.  I am still your plain old friend Aileen.  I promise.

The latter part of last year until the early part of this year was extremely a busy period for me.  I was too busy not to be able to check my cellphone and reply only to messages at the end of the day. (I can’t even remember forwarding messages then. :)  Too busy that even before going to sleep all I could think about was what interesting thing I could do for my class, and then waking up replaying in my mind what I would be doing for the next hours.  My mind was working 24 hours. I even dreamt about my students.  Teaching is definitely not an 8 to 5 job, it’s a 24 hour job.      

I am not complaining.  In general, I like what I did and in fact, I love being busy.  I miss being busy.  I pride myself in being composed under pressure.  Sometimes.  Haha… Sometimes if you’re lost as to what you want to happen in your life, keeping busy makes you feel you’re on the right track.  If you’re depressed that you don’t have a direction in life, knowing that at least you’re doing something is one great consolation.  Basic human need - the feeling of being needed, or being important.  (That’s why if it were only my choice I would want to die young, because I’m afraid I’ll be too useless when I get really old. But then if God has other plans, it is fine with me :) 

Funny thing is now that I am not busy, I don’t do what I want to do.  Seems like being busy is an excuse for not doing those things that I want to do.  (Ok, that was confusing.  Why would you not want to do something that you don’t want to do? Probably because there are many other distractions like the television hehe.  The culprit again is myself :)  With so much freedom I don’t know which I want to do. But then I have come up with a solution to this:  making my list of "things I want to do if only I have the time," and of course, focusing on making sure I do everything in my ideal list, even if only half of it. 

I won’t list them down here.  (It is classified as "too personal to be posted here." Hehe I cancelled out the things that I want to do now but I can’t do due to some constraints (except time).  Here are four of those that didn’t make it to the list.

1.  Meet up with friends.

2.  Catch the latest movies in the cinema.

3.  Take up voice lessons. (hahaha)   

4.  Travel.  (around the Philippines first then Europe - obviously, the major constraint here is financial

I am left with many other things to do until my stay here ends.  (shobe, if you are reading this, don’t mention it to you know who ok?  If you really want to see me soon.  I’m just trying to make the most out of the situation. And I think I’m about to reach "the most."  Hehehe :)  It can be nice to be alone sometimes because you get to appreciate company all the more next time.  More time for instrospection, too.  The unexamined life is not worth living, as Plato would say.  Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely right?   It’s all in the mind hehehe… Maybe this is the much-awaited pause that I need.

I looked around for a perfect place to sit, somewhere inconspicuous.  Somewhere with less people around too, hoping it would be a bit quiet, despite the blaring sound of the radio.  I was going to eat alone again. There was an scheduled 12 hour power interruption for some maintenance in the city where I live in (for now), and I had to eat out to escape the heat.

Among the things in my bag were a book, a pen, a notebook (or probably  post-its), and of course my cellphone. I was all set. I found a place near the entrance. I was eating in Jollibee by the way. Kala mo kung san no? Hehehe I haven’t eaten in fastfoods for quite some time now since I watched "Super Size Me." 

I had my French fries on the table and I kept myself busy while waiting for the rest of the food to be served. (2 pcs chicken joy, spaghetti, hamburger, konti pa yan a. Joke!)  It turned out that my carefully chosen spot was not the best spot afterall. I was engrossed with my cellphone (when suddenly there was knocking on the glass window.  I tried to ignore it for a moment but the knocking persisted so I looked up and saw a dirty ragged boy around 10 years old perhaps, smiling widely at me (surprisingly, not with that pitiful look) with his cupped hands stretched towards me, begging for food.  A second after I looked up he scurried inside and then told me,  "Ate, akin na lang yung fries."

Everyone in my vicinity had his eyes on me.  The boy had a mischievous smile, I noticed, and it was as if he was playing a game with me. He didn’t even look nervous or scared that the security guard might see him and drive him away (where was the security guard?).  It seemed like he had done this a lot of times.  Before I had a chance to think on whether I should give the partly eaten small bag of fries or not, he reached out to touch it and said. "’Te, akin na lang ha?"  The obvious best choice was the one I took - I gobbled up all the fries so that he wouldn’t have anything to ask for.  hehehe… of course I gave the fries away.  Not because I was kind and generous but because he already touched it.  When I handed him the fries, I was sure it wasn’t a happy and grateful look he gave me - it was more of a "naisahan kita" look - how do you say that in English?  (It sounds much better in Filipino na lang hahaha… excuse.)

This post had been lying here in my blog as a draft for quite some time now, and I just think it would be such a waste if I wouldn’t publish it.  I don’t know how to end this post.  I was disturbed for a while after that incident. Many thoughts followed.  About pity, poverty etc. Of how lucky I am, how selfish I am, how indifferent and numbed I can be, and then rationalizing that I wouldn’t be alleviating poverty of this country through alms.  Yeah, poor reasoning.  Sometimes that reason would be challenged by thinking that giving alms would make a difference in the day of a sad young beggar.  I can help in better ways.  I pushed away those thoughts, just like how I dismiss thoughts that enter my mind whenever a beggar would knock on the car window.  But that’s about it.  I don’t have the heart of a Mother Teresa.  As I finished my food, I did remember a child sitting behind me singing "sa Jollibee, dito ang saya!"  Jollibee can make you happy.  Who wasn’t excited about going to Jollibee or Mcdo as a little kid?  If only life were as simple as that.

It’s something that you wouldn’t want to do as much as possible, and yet sometimes it’s inevitable. You may say that not wanting to be caught eating with an empty chair in front of you (or maybe empty chairs around you) has nothing to do about you being insecure or being afraid that other people might think of you as friendless and anti-social.  When you’re hungry (really hungry), who cares about what other people think?  Also, who cares about other people who you don’t know think about you? But there’s just something uncomfortable about eating alone. 

I can’t remember eating alone in a noisy cafeteria at school or at work.  A few years ago when I was a corporate slave, I always had my trusty workstation to keep me company for lunch when my friends weren’t there for me. (Hahaha! Before you think how pathetic I was, let me explain.  I had to be in front of my computer sometimes during lunch time because I had critical supervision to do.  Nothing critical to national security or anything, but it was still critical.  Critical for me to be able to get off from work a little bit earlier? It’s more than that, believe me.

You can just imagine your friends when they see you eating alone saying, “O, bat ka kumakain mag-isa?!” with the I-don’t-want-to-make-you-feel-I-pity-you-but-then-I-just-can’t-help-but-pity-you look.

Before I totally forget that you’re reading this to get tips, here they are.  They’re no big secret actually.  Everyone knows about it.  (I just have nothing better to do and I want to add my personal notes on it.   These are most effective when you have   to wait for a long time for your food to be served, unless you want to be just staring out window, passing time watching trains go by all of your life. Or watching sea birds (sea gulls?) fly, wishing there will be someone waiting there for you.  Ok ok, here are the tips:

1.      Bring a book or magazine.  This is the oldest trick to keep you preoccupied.       

2.      Bring your laptop.  I haven’t done this because my laptop is not too handy.  But I do see other people do it and they really look more cool and busy than lonely.     

3.      Bring a paper / notebook and pen. Feel free to do whatever you want with it.  You can sketch the people around you. Hehehe J  I often make my “to do’ list. One time I made a list of things I want to do before I die.  But then when I was at number 2, the food came, so I forgot about the list.    

4.      Make sure you have your cellphone with you.  This of course is the most popular tip.  The second to the last time I had dinner in a restaurant alone, I was talking to someone on my cellphone.  I happily chatted along until I realized that the place was so small that everyone can hear what I was saying.  (Iya, I was talking to you then. Hehehe   So there, I resulted to texting.       

Probably what makes it awkward or uncomfortable to eat alone is that food is best enjoyed with company.  Eating is not only made for physical nourishment but for social nourishment as well.  After all, we are social beings. (haha…I’m trying to sound smart here again. To make up for the not so smart things I wrote up there.)  We teach that even to children.  I remember saying to one of my former students, “What’s that you’re having?  Wow, pizza! It’s ‘bisabing’ in Mandarin. Do you know that Teacher Aileen loves pizza? And that it’s always very nice for people to share.  I have here a cookie, want to trade?”  (Of course, that happened – in my mind.)

I think the discomfort of eating alone is cultural.  We Filipinos share our food (or at least we invite other people to eat with us even if we don’t really mean it at times hehe   Hey, when I say it, I mean it! (As to how much I mean it, that will be my little secret.) 

When I was starting to write this post, I didn’t think that it will turn out to be this long.  I started out wanting to share an experience I had the other night (of course, when I ate alone), but then I think I’ll have to create a new post for that.  Stay tuned.   

By the way, I don’t eat out alone often, but I’m ok with eating alone.  Ok can mean a lot of things.  Hehe…. Maybe it’s just that maybe when one gets older, one becomes less self-conscious.  One thinks about more important things than what other people think.   

It goes without saying that if you don’t want to eat out alone you can always have your food to go.  Take out.  Dabao!

This post is dedicated to Vanessa. (Yung next post talaga dapat for you pero baka hindi ko na muna masulat. Busy e. Hehe   Happy birthday! =D

If there’s one thing I remember about "freedom" from my philo class a few years ago,it is this: that freedom is not being able to do whatever you want but doing what you know is right.  Which philosopher said that escapes me now.  I tried looking it up in google but to no avail.  (If you know who, let me know. I’m sure I am not the one who came up with that.

Whether freedom is doing whatever I want, or doing what I think is right, I may think that I am not so free either way.  What keeps me from doing whatever I want is the welfare of other people (not that I’m thinking of doing something really bad to hurt them hehe), and what keeps me from doing what I think is right sometimes is my own human frailty.  Ok, no one to blame but myself.  So can I conclude I am not free from myself?

Before you get further confused and before I expose my stupidity, let me just write about two people I just remember now that I’m writing about freedom.  I’m talking about holocaust survivors Viktor Frankl and Corrie Ten Boom. 

Viktor Frankl.  I haven’t finished his book "Man’s Search for Meaning" yet.  I started it 5 years ago by the way, and must have also misplaced it, so there… I probably won’t be finishing it. (Hmmm… maybe I don’t really love to "read" books; I only love the feeling of starting to read a book, considering the ratio of books I start to read and books that I actually finish.  Anyway, that’s another topic.)

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedom—-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. ~ Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, p. 86 http://userwww.service.emory.edu/~eusher/quotations/frankl.html 

Corrie Ten Boom.  Now her biography is one of the books that I’ve finished and even read more than once - "The Hiding Place."  It is one of my favorite books (which I did include in my friendster profile hehe :)  I’m trying to look for my favorite quotes from the book in the Internet but then, again, I can’t find it.  I’ll post it next time then.  http://www.corrietenboom.com/

Just a thought… whoever says one has no choice is lying.  We always have choices, at least two, and we are free to choose. Free will.  God’s gift to mankind.  Maybe, it would be better if he were to say, "I am left with no better choice but this choice I’m choosing."  Factors that maybe affecting that choice are faith, conscience, responsiblity, among others.

Bottomline is, freedom is not dependent on circumstances… it’s all in the mind. hehehe :) 

Now I’m thinking I would have sounded smarter by just ending this post on the first paragraph than going on and on… But then again this is a blog and I’m free to write whatever I want, at my own expense, and you are free to think whatever you want to think about me. See, what keeps from really writing about whatever I want is you, the reader!  Now this post has to end in some way - by putting a period perhaps?  Ok.  There.  The end.    

Even children get older, and I’m getting older too…

If you know that I’m quoting a song… wow!  You know that song?  Do you know the title? (I don’t know too many songs you see ;)  I must have heard this song a lot of times but never bothered to look it up, and I think there have been a lot of movies that include this song in their soundtracks.  I got interested in this song because I watched "Jersey Girl" recently.  I’ve seen it for the second time but then it was still fun to watch.  When you have so much time in your hands you notice things you’ve never noticed before.   

Anyway, allow me to digress further.  I think after "Daredevil" this is my favorite Ben Affleck movie. Or maybe, I like "Jersey Girl" even better than "Daredevil."  Nevermind.  I’m no Ben Affleck fan anyway.  Incidentally, I also watched "The Wedding Planner" in Japanese, also with Jennifer Lopez.  (Jennifer Lopez had a short part in "Jersey Girl.")  I’m looking for that movie’s soundtrack song list too.  Yes, I watched it dubbed in Nihongo, and all that I understood are pronouns, such as watashitachi, and of course, "kekkon." (Get married.  It’s a movie on weddings afterall.) Fortunately I’ve seen that movie before.

When I like a song, I don’t mind playing it the whole day. I’m listening to "Landslide" now for the nth time since last night… I wonder what the writer was thinking when he wrote this.  There’s nothing romantic about "landslide" (maybe for someone who’s living here in the Philippines.)  Landslides are muddy.  What comes to mind are dark murky waters.  How can you see your reflection?  The last thing one would probably thing about would be a love song.

Well, here’s a refreshing perspective on "Landslide" on snow-covered hills…

Landslide (by Fleetwood Mac)

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
’til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’…ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don’t know…..I don’t know
Well I’ve been afraid of changin’
because I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I’m getting older too….
So, take my love…take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills…
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

I have not eaten any chocolates for the longest time and I’m proud of it! (If I were to exclude chocolate flavored cereals, that is, hehe I am a chocolate addict and withdrawal symptoms are becoming evident, e.g. staying online too much? Many have been said about the bad effects of chocolate, misconceptions, we may say, and many have also been written about their benefits. Here’s one of those articles who are on my side. Yes, that’s old news…but I just have to post this. For the love of chocolates. Maybe it’s an addiction I don’t want to get rid of. Till death do us part

——————————-

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Chocolate lovers rejoice. A new study hints that eating milk chocolate may boost brain function. "Chocolate contains many substances that act as stimulants, such as theobromine, phenethylamine, and caffeine," Dr. Bryan Raudenbush from Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia noted in comments to Reuters Health.

"These substances by themselves have previously been found to increase alertness and attention and what we have found is that by consuming chocolate you can get the stimulating effects, which then lead to increased mental performance."

To study the effects of various chocolate types on brain power, Raudenbush and colleagues had a group of volunteers consume, on four separate occasions, 85 grams of milk chocolate; 85 grams of dark chocolate; 85 grams of carob; and nothing (the control condition). After a 15-minute digestive period, participants completed a variety of computer-based neuropsychological tests designed to assess cognitive performance including memory, attention span, reaction time, and problem solving.

"Composite scores for verbal and visual memory were significantly higher for milk chocolate than the other conditions," Raudenbush told Reuters Health. And consumption of milk and dark chocolate was associated with improved impulse control and reaction time.

Previous research has shown that some nutrients in food aid in glucose release and increased blood flow, which may augment cognitive performance. The current findings, said Raudenbush, "provide support for nutrient release via chocolate consumption to enhance cognitive performance."

from: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060524/hl_nm/chocolate_power_dc

another article: http://www.manilatimes.net/national/2005/may/31/yehey/life/20050531lif1.html

Here’s something from a book I’ve been reading for quite some time now… I read more than one book at a time and unfortunately don’t get to finish anything lately.  I hope to finish this book soon.  I like this book from which I’ll be getting the quote because it gives me a window to the lives of the most influential people in the world.  I don’t like history that much and I must admit my memory is quite poor.  A dose of history is healthy though.  Here’s a quote quoted by the author and this quote is one of the most quoted speeches.  I’m quoting it again, how much more quoted can it get? Enough of my rambling… well, just read on. :)   

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, now, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place will never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

                                                                                –Theodore Roosevelt

from The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership Tested by Time by James L. Garlow

http://www.jimgarlow.com/testedbytime/TestedByTime.cfm?pagenum=1